Reasons You Don't Want Swine Flu

• Your bones and muscles ache so much you convince yourself that you’re growing a tail.
• Isaiah said that when you fast (of necessity in this case), your “health shall spring forth speedily.” He obviously didn’t have swine flu, which was against his religion anyway.
• There comes a time when you believe and then hope you will die. So you watch El Cid, knowing that this epic movie will spur the desire. Unfortunately, Death does not embrace you with his black cloak, which would at least block your view of the TV for several minutes.
• The Relief Society, discovering that you are home alone, calls and asks if you need anything, and all you can think of is Pepsi, which you know might shake some people’s faith enough to burst new bottles.
• You long to be fit enough to return to work and watch condescending training videos.
• Events come along that under normal circumstances would warrant attention, like having your dog die.
• You pray for a miracle with the same fervor you prayed for BYU to beat Oklahoma. 1 out of 2 isn't bad, so unfortunately, regarding the flu, those parts of D&C 122 that you’ve accidently memorized keep coming to mind.
• You call your doctor, and all you can do is oink.