Reasons You Don't Want Swine Flu

• Your bones and muscles ache so much you convince yourself that you’re growing a tail.
• Isaiah said that when you fast (of necessity in this case), your “health shall spring forth speedily.” He obviously didn’t have swine flu, which was against his religion anyway.
• There comes a time when you believe and then hope you will die. So you watch El Cid, knowing that this epic movie will spur the desire. Unfortunately, Death does not embrace you with his black cloak, which would at least block your view of the TV for several minutes.
• The Relief Society, discovering that you are home alone, calls and asks if you need anything, and all you can think of is Pepsi, which you know might shake some people’s faith enough to burst new bottles.
• You long to be fit enough to return to work and watch condescending training videos.
• Events come along that under normal circumstances would warrant attention, like having your dog die.
• You pray for a miracle with the same fervor you prayed for BYU to beat Oklahoma. 1 out of 2 isn't bad, so unfortunately, regarding the flu, those parts of D&C 122 that you’ve accidently memorized keep coming to mind.
• You call your doctor, and all you can do is oink.

Cold Sasparilla

The food at Philmont is great, wonderful, fantastic . . . at least to those who have been eating beef jerky and tropical gorp for ten days and burning 15,000 calories a day out in the back country. To adult leaders who have been sitting in training for quite a few hours however, Philmont food is fine for a few days, but . . . We had chicken-fried chicken one evening. It was good, but they put it on top of a bed of pasta and drowned it with what they smilingly referred to as gravy. I told the server that I didn't want any pasta, and he said, increduleously, "What? No pasta?" I should have said, "Give me pasta but no gravy."

So, it was with some relief that we were invited to go with our District vice-president of something into Cimarron to get a green chili cheeseburger at the world famous . . . I forget its name. But upon ariving at the dinner hour we were greeted by a sign, "CLOSED! GONE FISHING."

So, never fear, we had another option, and that was to drive . . . and drive . . . and drive . . . to a fine dining establishment named "Cold Beer," which is eighteen miles east of Cimarron, a few miles past Ted Turner's buffalo herd. You can look at it on Google Maps to see how it is the only sign of "civilization" for miles.

Not everyone gets to see a herd of buffalo on the way to eat. We also saw a flock (or herd or whatever you call them) of wild turkeys . . . and a bear . . . and lots of deer (Cimarron has deer all over. We had to tell one to get out of the way at the ATM).

So, we arrived at Cold Beer, and we ordered our food. They offer pizza, and green chili cheeseburgers, and a few other specialties. I had to try their Green Chili Philly Cheesesteak, which promised to deliver the best of Philadelphia AND New Mexico. And it did. It was really good, although it was in a hamburger bun, which would be treated with scorn in the city of brotherly love. I recommend it to those of you who find yourself in Cold Beer, NM. I'd also recommend the sasparilla they serve (actually you just grab one out of the cooler) at Cold Beer for those who don't drink beer at any temperature.

I ordered my Green Chili Philly Cheesesteak with Cole Slaw, which, when it arrived in my basket, looked strangely like French fries. But it didn't matter. It could have been served on a bed of pasta with gravy.