After years of spreading cheer and toys around the world, Santa Claus is hanging it up and moving to a gated community in Montana. Al Gore was quick to speculate that Santa is making his move because his polar compound will soon be replaced with South-Pacific-temperature water, but a source close to Santa disclosed that it’s competition, not sweltering heat, that’s driving Santa from his sleigh.
“It’s hard to compete with what’s going on,” one elf said. “I mean, just look at it. Hillary is promising free health care and savings bonds and/or 401k money for every child born in America. Then John Edwards opens his sack to reveal plans for universal pre-kindergarten, matching savings accounts for low-income people, a minimum wage of $9.50, and a million new Section 8 housing vouchers for the poor. He also pledged to start a government-funded public higher education program called "College for Everyone," where anyone with a pulse can have money to study anything they want, except, in all probability, economics.”
With gifts like these and new ones to be announced in exponential numbers during the coming year, who cares about new socks, jump ropes, spinning tops, dolls, and other elf-specialties?
With Santa vacating the North Pole, there is a legal battle looming between Russia, which claims mineral rights to the area and Snorkel Bobs of Maui, which wants to take boatloads of tourists there to watch the tropical fish that Al Gore claims will soon infest the area.